I’m Speechless..

I don’t know what’s happening to me. I hate this feeling, I swear I have millions to say, but I just don’t know how to start and voice it out. I’m speechless the moment I sat in front of my computer. I have many nice things to share. And many disgusting things to reveal. But I’m seriously trying hard to convince myself that I do not have time. I remember saying the madness will gone soon. Seriously, how soon is soon? Is it suppose to be this long? I feel I’m dying out. I no longer know what am I doing out there, in here, anywhere. I know I seldom say this out loud.

But I have very very very bad days recently.. Arrrgghhhh…!!!! As far as I can remember, I was so happy when everything started… And I never thought that the joys and happiness will dissapear in a blink of eyes… Now I’m hurt.. I hope I look the same, appear the same, feel the same. Whatever has happened isn’t huge enough to make me fall that bad (I really hope it won’t.. "Ya Allah… I beg for Your fogiveness.. Help me to go through this smoothly.. Give me the patience that I most needed.."). Till the extent that I start becoming different (hopefully I will not turn to gorrilla, anaconda, or monster..). I guess I will rely on the little things which make life great to keep me on till when ‘ALL‘ are over. Only till then I have the time to waste on such shits.

I know it when I’m going crazy. I know it when I say the things I know I will never say. I know it when the things I want to say, and left unsaid.. I know the feelings inside fighting to be vomitted out. I feel so sick in my stomach that I want to throw out. I know it when I’m going insane. Today was an ordinary day but I felt damn terrible throughout the day. I don’t know why either. Too much things inside(mind, heart and soul) that I can’t even let it out here.. I neither know how to write nor to speak up to make me feel relief. Everything seems congested in my arteries, throughout my lung, every where in me, where finally got stuck at my heart. My brain is FULL, and yet my soul is EMPTY.. Bad enough.. I CAN’T SLEEP!!!!! Can’t stop thinking like the ‘Mary go-round’ wheel.. My eyes were wide OPENED when they were actually CLOSED.. !!!

(Sigh..) Well, nobody cares enough these days. Everyone has their own things. And no matter what, "your thing is forever BIGGER than my thing". Everyone is pushing, pulling and then push, someone else to reach the goal.. Everyone gotta be selfish.. And I don’t give a damn about those anymore. Can I say that?

Can I? Can I say I don’t want to do half of those crap I have to do everyday? Can I? Can I? Can I say I don’t want to do anything anymore, and I just want to stay at home and wait for GOD to take me? Can I? The answer is ‘NO’. So, I don’t see the point of this whole thing anymore. I don’t want to talk rubbish anymore. I don’t want to deal with any shits. I don’t want to meet anyone. I don’t want to… I don’t want to feel anythings. Can I? NO… NO.. NO.. No I’m not going to say that. I know I’m strong… YES… I AM STRONG..!! I can keep all these to myself… My cry coming from within, and even though it seems lasted with me, I know the way how choke back my tears… I used to do it all the time.. I’ve gone through sadder and worst than these in my past life..  I know I can DO IT..!! I will get through these.. I will.. And because I said so, I believe I can…

I was totally wrong when I thought I can waste an hour or two just trying to make myself feel a little better. The time now is almost 4 a.m. Things are bad enough already. Alright, it’s just a little more time to go. Rest assured I won’t decide to commit suicide within this time. But if I die due to unnatural causes, I hope my words stay with you. Or maybe, my smile.

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