I’m Speechless..

I don’t know what’s happening to me. I hate this feeling, I swear I have millions to say, but I just don’t know how to start and voice it out. I’m speechless the moment I sat in front of my computer. I have many nice things to share. And many disgusting things to reveal. But I’m seriously trying hard to convince myself that I do not have time. I remember saying the madness will gone soon. Seriously, how soon is soon? Is it suppose to be this long? I feel I’m dying out. I no longer know what am I doing out there, in here, anywhere. I know I seldom say this out loud.

But I have very very very bad days recently.. Arrrgghhhh…!!!! As far as I can remember, I was so happy when everything started… And I never thought that the joys and happiness will dissapear in a blink of eyes… Now I’m hurt.. I hope I look the same, appear the same, feel the same. Whatever has happened isn’t huge enough to make me fall that bad (I really hope it won’t.. "Ya Allah… I beg for Your fogiveness.. Help me to go through this smoothly.. Give me the patience that I most needed.."). Till the extent that I start becoming different (hopefully I will not turn to gorrilla, anaconda, or monster..). I guess I will rely on the little things which make life great to keep me on till when ‘ALL‘ are over. Only till then I have the time to waste on such shits.

I know it when I’m going crazy. I know it when I say the things I know I will never say. I know it when the things I want to say, and left unsaid.. I know the feelings inside fighting to be vomitted out. I feel so sick in my stomach that I want to throw out. I know it when I’m going insane. Today was an ordinary day but I felt damn terrible throughout the day. I don’t know why either. Too much things inside(mind, heart and soul) that I can’t even let it out here.. I neither know how to write nor to speak up to make me feel relief. Everything seems congested in my arteries, throughout my lung, every where in me, where finally got stuck at my heart. My brain is FULL, and yet my soul is EMPTY.. Bad enough.. I CAN’T SLEEP!!!!! Can’t stop thinking like the ‘Mary go-round’ wheel.. My eyes were wide OPENED when they were actually CLOSED.. !!!

(Sigh..) Well, nobody cares enough these days. Everyone has their own things. And no matter what, "your thing is forever BIGGER than my thing". Everyone is pushing, pulling and then push, someone else to reach the goal.. Everyone gotta be selfish.. And I don’t give a damn about those anymore. Can I say that?

Can I? Can I say I don’t want to do half of those crap I have to do everyday? Can I? Can I? Can I say I don’t want to do anything anymore, and I just want to stay at home and wait for GOD to take me? Can I? The answer is ‘NO’. So, I don’t see the point of this whole thing anymore. I don’t want to talk rubbish anymore. I don’t want to deal with any shits. I don’t want to meet anyone. I don’t want to… I don’t want to feel anythings. Can I? NO… NO.. NO.. No I’m not going to say that. I know I’m strong… YES… I AM STRONG..!! I can keep all these to myself… My cry coming from within, and even though it seems lasted with me, I know the way how choke back my tears… I used to do it all the time.. I’ve gone through sadder and worst than these in my past life..  I know I can DO IT..!! I will get through these.. I will.. And because I said so, I believe I can…

I was totally wrong when I thought I can waste an hour or two just trying to make myself feel a little better. The time now is almost 4 a.m. Things are bad enough already. Alright, it’s just a little more time to go. Rest assured I won’t decide to commit suicide within this time. But if I die due to unnatural causes, I hope my words stay with you. Or maybe, my smile.

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So Much in Pain…

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I’m sitting on my bed right now on the verge of tears, the pain is so bad. It getting worst when I first rise up in the morning, and at the end of the day, just before I off to bed. I have a pinched nerve in my neck causing my right arm and fingers to tingle. The pain is back.. Today, I went to the hospital again.. My doctor has prescribed Tramadol and a jab to kill the pain. I had a nerve conduction study done a while back. For I don’t know how many times, the doctor told me that I need the spinal cervical fusion on the level c4/5, which means I need an artificial disc surgery to replace the column on my upper spine. And today, he told me that I might have the Cervical osteoarthritis (to be honest, I don’t understand a word what he was telling me..!!!), recommended me to go for another MRI (thorough scan on the cervical, thoracic, and lumbar discograms- will be my 3rd MRIs for this year of 2007), and also set an appointment with another specialist(I can’t recall what kind of specialist… All I know is something to do with nerve). Can’t describe how I really feels at the moment. I feels deep down, depress, and scared.. Damn..!! I can’t even close my eyes. I’m so worry that my brain just can’t stop thinking about it.. I’m tired of the diagnostic procedures and physio therapy sessions, sick of the drugs, and I don’t want to go for the surgery!  I know I may have no choice, but as long as I can function I will not do it. I know what I have now. Surgery could make it worse (I don’t know..). I just wish that I can opt for another therapist..

I heard Pool therapy is the best treatment.. Not sure how true it is though.. I did go to see the chiropractor, but unfortunately, nothing improve. I feel worse day by day.. The more I am going through (specialists; chiropractor; seek for friends’ opinion and advise, the more pain I’d feel). The more MRIs, produced more diagnostic evidence. I have gotten 2 opinions on new scans so far, each adding more info. How many do I need to go to before the full diagnostic picture is noted? And how long do I have to wait until the pain dissapear? That are the most important questions that I have in my mind and yet to be answered. And even if I’m considering, until it is, surgery will have to wait, if appropriate at all. It’s no wonder patients are often repeatedly in with poor outcomes - their diagnostic evidence and symptoms are not properly investigated to start with.  I’ve now been told that my condition is inoperable without making it worse. 

I’m only 29, but right now I feel OLD!!! I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m sorry to rant so much, but I just feel like crap right now. If I feel this bad at 29, I can’t WAIT to see how I feel in another 26 years from now.

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My Interpretation

To whom it may concerns,

You talk about life, you talk about death… And everything in between.. Like it’s nothing and the words are easy.. You talk about me, talk about you, and everything i do like it something that needs repeated.. I don’t need an alibi or for you to realise the things we left unsaid are only taking space up in our head.. Make it my fault win the game, point the finger place the blame.. It does me up and down, it doesn’t matter now! Coz i don’t care if i ever talk to you again. This is not about emotion! I don’t need a reason not to care what you say or what happened in the end. This is my interpretation and it don’t make sense (what ever..). The first to wish to count to ten. I hold my breath and wonder when it will happen, does it really matter? If half of what you said is true, and half of what i didn’t do could be different, would it make it better? If we forget the things we know, would we have somewhere to go? The only way is down i can see that now… I don’t care anymore.. Just leave me alone!

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