For Izz Syahmie - I Love You
It took me months to write about this..
Well, as I’ve just suffered the night from hell, there are two things uppermost in my mind sitting here in front of my PC. The first is PAIN, and the second is LOVE.
Please let me explain …
Pain was one of the free gifts that came with my spinal injury. I had a spinal prolapse at the age of 29(nearly), which severe the nerves and left me with the numb feeling on my right handside and fingers (close to paralysic, not paraplegic). Translated into non-doctor speak this means I have some movement, but not enough to do anything with; and some feeling, which can be anything from hot and cold, through pins and needles, stopping regularly at hypersensitivity and occasionally finishing at full sensation. There are obvious benefits to having some sensation and movement (steady there!) but the drawback is the pain. The series of physio therapies I had to stop my spine giving up the ghost entirely didn’t free all the nerves - some were left trapped. These squashed nerves mean my brain is being told that bits of me are damaged when they’re fine.
It started on April 12, 2007, when i felt the terrible pain. I injured my spine at work(that’s what the doctor told me), knackered another of my vertebrae and trapped some more nerves, leaving me with even more pain to deal with, and another therapies to look forward to. I can still remember how at night I obviously rolled around in my sleep and laid wrong or something, because I woke up in the kind of pain that floored even me. All I know is, GOD it hurt … I mean HURT!!!!!!!!! I can’t move, I went through a roller coaster of emotions, I thought I would explode. Luckily when I was at my lowest, my darling Izz Syahmie was there for me. Not only did he is the best painkillers that I ever had, which meant I could actually sleep for the next couple of hours while he snore, but subconciously, he actually stayed up with me, talked me through it, and held me when I was at my lowest. It was he who reminded me that life is great. No matter what life throws at you it’s always worth fighting. If not for yourself, but for the ones you love.
Love comes in many forms. I love my Mum, I love my family, I love my friends. Until I had Izz Syahmie, I thought I had loved my ex-boyfriends. Now I know what love really is. It flows through you like your blood, but you can feel it all the time. It swells up in your chest, making you feel like your heart is going to burst out of you like a scene from Alien. It gives meaning to everything you’ve ever done. But the best thing that love gives you is a reason to live, even when you’re at your lowest.
At night on April 15, 2007 when the pain had started to effect even my thinking, it was the love I had for Izz Syahmie, and his love for me, that meant I didn’t crumble or just give in. It’s the best thing in the world, and it gives you a kind of steel backbone with which to face the world (which is a real boon for someone with a spinal column as crap as mine). In fact now, when ever i feel the pain, he is the one who will appear in my mind, giving me courage to wake up, work, and go on with my life. He is the one who inspire me to move on and do what I’m suppose to do. That’s love - he brings me laughters when I’m feeling ill and then thinks I’m pretty when I’m not even showered.
I don’t actually have a point to this. I do think that stuff happens in life - some good, some bad. Occasionally something, or someone, comes into your life that makes it all worthwhile. They are what keep us strong to fight whatever life throws at us. To stay in the game of life with the cards stacked against us, we have had to be strong. Stronger than those who win at the game and those who make up the rules. It’s that injustice that fuels the rants I normally come out with. We know we would make a better job of running things, and that we have something to give to the world that it would really benefit from.
The great thing is no matter how tough things get, I’m already luckier than those I’m fighting against. I have the best reward anyone could wish for. I have true love in my life. I have someone who I really would die for.
I have my Izz Syahmie.
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