I have a Dream
I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream - I have a dream
I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through reality
And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream - I have a dream
I’ll cross the stream - I have a dream
Sore and Bitter..
If I care all the way & travel far, so far away, chances are?
If I avoid being told & act so cold, chances are?
If I try hard faking it; only to break it, chances are?
If I zip the lip, then want to give a tip, chances are?
If I cry, cry, cry & cry, chances are?
If I smile, grin & laugh out loud, chances are?
If I whine outwardly, then beam internally, chances are?
If my sighs grow & my fears show, chances are?
If I decide to sink & stop to think, chances are?
If I drop the stop; to stop the drop, chances are?
If my every fact is always abstract, chances are?
If I change my name from real to surreal, chances are?
If I straighten my waves & have a different face, chances are?
If I’m bitter and sore and I don’t want it no more, chances are?
If I loosen up on my way going up, chances are?
If I given up my hope and don’t want to try it anymore, chances are?
If they tell me no, then ask me to glow, chances are?
If I get ticked off & can’t storm off, chances are?
If I live in denial & fail the trial, chances are?
If they put my heart in a strolling cart, chances are?
If my sweaty palms never ever calm, chances are?
If I never forget my deepest pain and regret, chances are?
If I say no and prefer it raw, chances are?
If I’d rather stay than go the long way, chances are?
If I get hurt while cleaning of the dirt, chances are?
If all my words are full of "blahs", chances are?
If I try my hands in the wrong lands, chances are?
If the sands of time turn into sour lime, chances are?
If they pick me up only to shut me up, chances are?
It’s my heart, and it tastes bitter.. But I know I’m getting stronger.. My day will come very soon.. In one fine day.. insyaAllah..
Forgive & Forget
Come to think about it now, I don’t really forgive even if I say I do, when I look deep, very deep in, I find myself still hurt, I mean somebody can say or do something that could really make me upset, then they admit their fault and say sorry. But when it’s already happened, it’s out there and no one can take it back! I may say I forgive but I know when I remember what they did still hurts, time is not really on my side when it comes to those issues, it always hurts. I used to prefer keeping distance from people who once treated me harshly, just playing it safe..
I can’t really talk about forgiveness. I am the least forgiving person you could ever meet. But, time change, and people change. Now, that I’m forgiving. I meant I can really forgive. Unfortunately, there is another big trait that I have to deal with that is ‘to not remember‘, so called to ‘forget‘.
It’s amazing how the past never dies. I think I should try my best to forgive, but sometimes I don’t mean to bury things inside, they just find a place to hide. And when someone goes digging around, they resurface and left me to deal with all the hurts and pains again. I know it all so well. Trust me I do. Sometimes, if I just think about the everyday thing, somehow I find myself remembering the past, and it slowly stabs away at my insides.
Frustration, anger and pain are smothered by my everyday events that have accumulated and piled up over the years that I really think I am at peace with the past.
One question leads to another. When people ask, I begin answering by smiling and laughing my way out of it. People look at me in horror, and the topic really isn’t funny. Sympathetic looks pierce their way right into me, then the shocked looks and the ‘ouch’ come in, until the spade their digging with hits the right spot and pierces a hole through the cover of that painful past and unveils what I (un)intentionally have been trying to keep buried for years. I thought I was all cried out. Then, I know my thought was wrong.
I find my way now.. I thank myself that I finally realized. I need to learn not only to forgive, but the most important I should learn how ‘to not remember’. I should learn how to FORGET!
If I ever been cheated by anyone who close to me, at the moment I forgive him/her, I will NOT ASKED anything anymore! The pain is enough for me. And if this is going to consume my daily life, even if for a little while, then I should let go of it and move on. Because if I don’t, I know the next thing I will see is my life passes me by.
I guess, what is in the past its place is in the past. I should not bring it into my present and I won’t carry it on to my future. I would say.. Pain sucks (pardon me). Now, that I am telling myself to try to forgive and to forget just because it’s so much healthier. Living with regrets, sorrows, stress, bad memories in general- is just not worth it. And I believe I deserve BETTER!
Uncategorized | Comments (2)The Price of a Friendship
I don’t know what will be the best title to put.. If I can remember correctly, a girl friend of mine said something sounded like ‘ya.. let the money buy our friendship‘. So, it’s sounded more like ‘The Price of a Friendship’. I reckon it is.. So, here is what I would like to say about what is friend and friendship means to me..
What it means to have friends. Means a lot actually, simple reasons could be formed groups to go out with and have fun, or it could be simple people you just meet and never want to forget their names one-timers as I’d call them. It could also mean people you message through e-mail, SMS or IM.
Complex reasons would be like if you make friends are you willing keep them through thick and thin obstacles? Sacrificing yourself to save them? Or if fights go on are you willing to put aside your differences and start over? Forgive them for minor wrongdoings? Ask them as well if Cliques really mattered? These things and questions are what’s included in a build yourself friendship kit. I have still much to learn while i went through it all it was not easy and it still isn’t which is why i chose to have a few close friends because when I had a lot I never kept them, left them because we never talked or hung out so I decided to prevent this a few close ones i stuck with, some good, some bad some perfect.
Throughout our lives we encounter many people. We make friends, disconnect from old friends and maybe even later re-connect with those we have lost. Time passes, friends move, we move, they change and we change. When we are young we look for a best friend, someone we can trust with all of our secrets and to play on the playground with. As we get older we will look for someone who we can still trust and share our most memorable experiences with. We will look for someone to be our partner in crime and who will be the shoulder to lean on through all the bad times.
When we’re younger our friendships mean the world to us and we believe that person will be with us forever. Friendships are just like relationships, they take work. Sometimes people evolve into different people and that friendship no longer works. We grow apart and realize it is no longer working. So what happens then? Do we simply do our separate ways and never speak to each other every again or choose to take a different road and maybe one day you can start all over.
It happened to me previously with my close boy friend(very close as in like brother and sister), and it happened to me again not a while ago with my girl friends, and so, I decided to write this to say a million ‘thank you’ for all your kindness, concerns and help. Guys, you know who you are. I am touched, and I just can’t find the best words to express how grateful I am to have you as my good and best friends. You are all at my heart.
I believe we make and lose friends for a reason. We have to lose friends in order to appreciate the ones who will stick by us. There will be different friends for the many stages of life we will go through. There will be friends whom we barely know but feel so connected to, ones who will be our family and ones who really will be friends forever. I NEVER ever can buy a friendship.. Friendship is PRICELESS..
Uncategorized | Comment (1)I’m Speechless..
I don’t know what’s happening to me. I hate this feeling, I swear I have millions to say, but I just don’t know how to start and voice it out. I’m speechless the moment I sat in front of my computer. I have many nice things to share. And many disgusting things to reveal. But I’m seriously trying hard to convince myself that I do not have time. I remember saying the madness will gone soon. Seriously, how soon is soon? Is it suppose to be this long? I feel I’m dying out. I no longer know what am I doing out there, in here, anywhere. I know I seldom say this out loud.
But I have very very very bad days recently.. Arrrgghhhh…!!!! As far as I can remember, I was so happy when everything started… And I never thought that the joys and happiness will dissapear in a blink of eyes… Now I’m hurt.. I hope I look the same, appear the same, feel the same. Whatever has happened isn’t huge enough to make me fall that bad (I really hope it won’t.. "Ya Allah… I beg for Your fogiveness.. Help me to go through this smoothly.. Give me the patience that I most needed.."). Till the extent that I start becoming different (hopefully I will not turn to gorrilla, anaconda, or monster..). I guess I will rely on the little things which make life great to keep me on till when ‘ALL‘ are over. Only till then I have the time to waste on such shits.
I know it when I’m going crazy. I know it when I say the things I know I will never say. I know it when the things I want to say, and left unsaid.. I know the feelings inside fighting to be vomitted out. I feel so sick in my stomach that I want to throw out. I know it when I’m going insane. Today was an ordinary day but I felt damn terrible throughout the day. I don’t know why either. Too much things inside(mind, heart and soul) that I can’t even let it out here.. I neither know how to write nor to speak up to make me feel relief. Everything seems congested in my arteries, throughout my lung, every where in me, where finally got stuck at my heart. My brain is FULL, and yet my soul is EMPTY.. Bad enough.. I CAN’T SLEEP!!!!! Can’t stop thinking like the ‘Mary go-round’ wheel.. My eyes were wide OPENED when they were actually CLOSED.. !!!
(Sigh..) Well, nobody cares enough these days. Everyone has their own things. And no matter what, "your thing is forever BIGGER than my thing". Everyone is pushing, pulling and then push, someone else to reach the goal.. Everyone gotta be selfish.. And I don’t give a damn about those anymore. Can I say that?
Can I? Can I say I don’t want to do half of those crap I have to do everyday? Can I? Can I? Can I say I don’t want to do anything anymore, and I just want to stay at home and wait for GOD to take me? Can I? The answer is ‘NO’. So, I don’t see the point of this whole thing anymore. I don’t want to talk rubbish anymore. I don’t want to deal with any shits. I don’t want to meet anyone. I don’t want to… I don’t want to feel anythings. Can I? NO… NO.. NO.. No I’m not going to say that. I know I’m strong… YES… I AM STRONG..!! I can keep all these to myself… My cry coming from within, and even though it seems lasted with me, I know the way how choke back my tears… I used to do it all the time.. I’ve gone through sadder and worst than these in my past life.. I know I can DO IT..!! I will get through these.. I will.. And because I said so, I believe I can…
I was totally wrong when I thought I can waste an hour or two just trying to make myself feel a little better. The time now is almost 4 a.m. Things are bad enough already. Alright, it’s just a little more time to go. Rest assured I won’t decide to commit suicide within this time. But if I die due to unnatural causes, I hope my words stay with you. Or maybe, my smile.
Uncategorized | Comments (2)So Much in Pain…
I don’t know why I’m posting this. I’m sitting on my bed right now on the verge of tears, the pain is so bad. It getting worst when I first rise up in the morning, and at the end of the day, just before I off to bed. I have a pinched nerve in my neck causing my right arm and fingers to tingle. The pain is back.. Today, I went to the hospital again.. My doctor has prescribed Tramadol and a jab to kill the pain. I had a nerve conduction study done a while back. For I don’t know how many times, the doctor told me that I need the spinal cervical fusion on the level c4/5, which means I need an artificial disc surgery to replace the column on my upper spine. And today, he told me that I might have the Cervical osteoarthritis (to be honest, I don’t understand a word what he was telling me..!!!), recommended me to go for another MRI (thorough scan on the cervical, thoracic, and lumbar discograms- will be my 3rd MRIs for this year of 2007), and also set an appointment with another specialist(I can’t recall what kind of specialist… All I know is something to do with nerve). Can’t describe how I really feels at the moment. I feels deep down, depress, and scared.. Damn..!! I can’t even close my eyes. I’m so worry that my brain just can’t stop thinking about it.. I’m tired of the diagnostic procedures and physio therapy sessions, sick of the drugs, and I don’t want to go for the surgery! I know I may have no choice, but as long as I can function I will not do it. I know what I have now. Surgery could make it worse (I don’t know..). I just wish that I can opt for another therapist..
I heard Pool therapy is the best treatment.. Not sure how true it is though.. I did go to see the chiropractor, but unfortunately, nothing improve. I feel worse day by day.. The more I am going through (specialists; chiropractor; seek for friends’ opinion and advise, the more pain I’d feel). The more MRIs, produced more diagnostic evidence. I have gotten 2 opinions on new scans so far, each adding more info. How many do I need to go to before the full diagnostic picture is noted? And how long do I have to wait until the pain dissapear? That are the most important questions that I have in my mind and yet to be answered. And even if I’m considering, until it is, surgery will have to wait, if appropriate at all. It’s no wonder patients are often repeatedly in with poor outcomes - their diagnostic evidence and symptoms are not properly investigated to start with. I’ve now been told that my condition is inoperable without making it worse.
I’m only 29, but right now I feel OLD!!! I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m sorry to rant so much, but I just feel like crap right now. If I feel this bad at 29, I can’t WAIT to see how I feel in another 26 years from now.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)My Interpretation
To whom it may concerns,
You talk about life, you talk about death… And everything in between.. Like it’s nothing and the words are easy.. You talk about me, talk about you, and everything i do like it something that needs repeated.. I don’t need an alibi or for you to realise the things we left unsaid are only taking space up in our head.. Make it my fault win the game, point the finger place the blame.. It does me up and down, it doesn’t matter now! Coz i don’t care if i ever talk to you again. This is not about emotion! I don’t need a reason not to care what you say or what happened in the end. This is my interpretation and it don’t make sense (what ever..). The first to wish to count to ten. I hold my breath and wonder when it will happen, does it really matter? If half of what you said is true, and half of what i didn’t do could be different, would it make it better? If we forget the things we know, would we have somewhere to go? The only way is down i can see that now… I don’t care anymore.. Just leave me alone!
Uncategorized | Comment (0)When Heart has Turned to Pieces..
A heart, can’t be controlled
A heart, can’t be forced to do something what it doesn’t like
A heart, is free
A heart, is granted a free-will
A heart, works by its own, that even you can’t tell it what to do
A heart, once it’s broken, it STAYS broken
A heart, can’t never mend when it’s in pieces
My heart, is already torn apart
My heart, is already dead on the floor
My next move, is to live with it
Though… someone told me that I need somebody in my life for accompany and so, to ease the burdens that I have to carry on my shoulders..
And eventually, I have decided that..
My next move, is to find someone who wants to live with my pieces of a broken heart.. Someone who intends to lighten, not to add anymore pains and scars..
Uncategorized | Comments (2)For Izz Syahmie - I Love You
It took me months to write about this..
Well, as I’ve just suffered the night from hell, there are two things uppermost in my mind sitting here in front of my PC. The first is PAIN, and the second is LOVE.
Please let me explain …
Pain was one of the free gifts that came with my spinal injury. I had a spinal prolapse at the age of 29(nearly), which severe the nerves and left me with the numb feeling on my right handside and fingers (close to paralysic, not paraplegic). Translated into non-doctor speak this means I have some movement, but not enough to do anything with; and some feeling, which can be anything from hot and cold, through pins and needles, stopping regularly at hypersensitivity and occasionally finishing at full sensation. There are obvious benefits to having some sensation and movement (steady there!) but the drawback is the pain. The series of physio therapies I had to stop my spine giving up the ghost entirely didn’t free all the nerves - some were left trapped. These squashed nerves mean my brain is being told that bits of me are damaged when they’re fine.
It started on April 12, 2007, when i felt the terrible pain. I injured my spine at work(that’s what the doctor told me), knackered another of my vertebrae and trapped some more nerves, leaving me with even more pain to deal with, and another therapies to look forward to. I can still remember how at night I obviously rolled around in my sleep and laid wrong or something, because I woke up in the kind of pain that floored even me. All I know is, GOD it hurt … I mean HURT!!!!!!!!! I can’t move, I went through a roller coaster of emotions, I thought I would explode. Luckily when I was at my lowest, my darling Izz Syahmie was there for me. Not only did he is the best painkillers that I ever had, which meant I could actually sleep for the next couple of hours while he snore, but subconciously, he actually stayed up with me, talked me through it, and held me when I was at my lowest. It was he who reminded me that life is great. No matter what life throws at you it’s always worth fighting. If not for yourself, but for the ones you love.
Love comes in many forms. I love my Mum, I love my family, I love my friends. Until I had Izz Syahmie, I thought I had loved my ex-boyfriends. Now I know what love really is. It flows through you like your blood, but you can feel it all the time. It swells up in your chest, making you feel like your heart is going to burst out of you like a scene from Alien. It gives meaning to everything you’ve ever done. But the best thing that love gives you is a reason to live, even when you’re at your lowest.
At night on April 15, 2007 when the pain had started to effect even my thinking, it was the love I had for Izz Syahmie, and his love for me, that meant I didn’t crumble or just give in. It’s the best thing in the world, and it gives you a kind of steel backbone with which to face the world (which is a real boon for someone with a spinal column as crap as mine). In fact now, when ever i feel the pain, he is the one who will appear in my mind, giving me courage to wake up, work, and go on with my life. He is the one who inspire me to move on and do what I’m suppose to do. That’s love - he brings me laughters when I’m feeling ill and then thinks I’m pretty when I’m not even showered.
I don’t actually have a point to this. I do think that stuff happens in life - some good, some bad. Occasionally something, or someone, comes into your life that makes it all worthwhile. They are what keep us strong to fight whatever life throws at us. To stay in the game of life with the cards stacked against us, we have had to be strong. Stronger than those who win at the game and those who make up the rules. It’s that injustice that fuels the rants I normally come out with. We know we would make a better job of running things, and that we have something to give to the world that it would really benefit from.
The great thing is no matter how tough things get, I’m already luckier than those I’m fighting against. I have the best reward anyone could wish for. I have true love in my life. I have someone who I really would die for.
I have my Izz Syahmie.
Uncategorized | Comment (1)